Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Wake up

I had a dream last night and it wasn't until I was journaling this morning that I understood it because I stood on the outside watching strangers like I would watch a movie. At first I just thought it would make an interesting play. I watched a group of people, strangers at first but had become a close group of companions, a community built through shared joys and sorrows. They had clearly suffered together, but I watched them laugh and build and work side by side. No one was the focus really, all were equally important. They lived in the wilderness and had learned to survive with one another. (It was very LOST, even though I haven't watched that show in well over a year now.) They were pleasant to watch, until the dream started coming to an end. As they were building, working, laughing, and talking, the focus suddenly shifted to one woman and all the others disappeared. She was still building, working, laughing, and talking but to people who were not there. She was alone. By some accident or tragedy, her companions were gone, like death, still and silent. But she heard them, she saw them, she acted as though they had never left her. As I wrote this down in my journal this morning, I asked if that woman was supposed to be me. If I am living and acting like nothing has changed, like my community hasn't left me, and like I still have the support system I once relied so heavily upon. The truth is that I don't have that. I know I am loved and like that woman, I carry them with me beyond their actual presence. But I wonder if how I am doing that is unhealthy. And I wonder if they are the shadows, or if she is? 

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