Saying Goodbye

I haven't been a very faithful blogger this year. I enjoy it but I journal so much on a regular basis that I'm often burnt out of writing by the time I remember my blog. This year has been so full that I couldn't possibly catch up in one entry. I will probably be processing my Mission Year for the rest of my life. It seems really surreal right now that it is over. I've been dreading this day for weeks, crying practically a few times a day whenever I thought about it. And now, I'm not crying. It doesn't feel real. It feels like just a short break and in two weeks I'm going to go back to my apartment, neighborhood, team, and Mission Year and be back working at Christus, living in community, and having Team Captain meetings. I'm moving back to Pennsauken/Camden area in September but everything will be different. Honestly, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be there without the physical presence of Mission Year in the Tri-City area. But I hold onto that I'm not going to be there without God. Before going to Mission Year, I prayed David Livingstone's prayer often, "Send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. Sever any ties but the ties that bind me to your service and to your heart." That prayer was a lot easier when I wanted to go anywhere, when I had not understood "burden" because I did not know how to feel much, and when I didn't really feel tied to anything. But God revealed a depth of emotion and feeling in me that I didn't know I had and now it is harder to say goodbye. "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Matthew 28:20

Past Mistakes

There is a song by the Indigo Girls called “Galileo,” that has a line that has really been speaking to my heart lately. It says, “And now I’m serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime.” She’s actually talking about reincarnation, but I think the idea is just as significant whether you believe in that or not. We all carry the choices of those before us. Good or bad, we carry them all. It seems unfair to me sometimes. In my idea of justice, we all should carry only the weight of our own mistakes and choices. But we are all interconnected and dependent on one another; none of us carry only our own choices. My whiteness carries the guilt of the oppressor, current and past, and the slave owner and the imposer of segregation. My neighbor’s blackness carries the lingering residue of oppression, segregation, and enslavement. My privilege carries an arrogance of entitlement as my students and neighbors carry the desire just to survive and be socially accepted. I did not choose to grow up privileged or White any more than my students and neighbors chose to grow up poor or as people of color. Our privilege and poverty were chosen for us and we carry the weight of those choices “made by another in another lifetime.” That’s been a hard thing for me lately, reconciling the meaning of all of this and what my responsibility is in it. It would probably be easier just to say, “That wasn’t me. I didn’t do that so I shouldn’t have to feel guilty or pay for what was done before I was even born.” That would be the easy thing. But it wouldn’t be the right thing. And it wouldn’t be reality, merely an illusion. The fact is, I am serving time for mistakes I never made, but if I didn’t recognize that, I would be indeed making my own mistakes. I have made many already. God never intended us to live separate from each other by our differences. God loves diversity and he loves ALL people. Why we don’t seem to get that, I don’t know. Maybe we’re afraid. Afraid of the stranger, afraid of our responsibility, afraid of God and his call for all his children to reconciliation. Maybe we like our hatred, though we may not recognize it as such or refuse to name it. Maybe we like to feel powerful and in control of the lives of others because we don’t always feel in control of ours. Maybe it is easier to condemn that to accept because we would rather reject someone before they reject us. But I’m really glad God doesn’t think that way. I’m really glad that he accepts rather than condemns and that he would rather be rejected by us than reject us. That is my experience of the unconditional love and grace of God. He waits for us patiently, whispering in us, asking us to choose him, wanting us to sense his arms around us as he rocks us in our tears and laughs with us in our joys.
I strongly believe in God’s desire for reconciliation because at the very heart of us, it is our deepest desire too. I believe he wants us not only to be reconciled to him, but to one another, and to his creation that he has given us to care for and take pleasure in. Not the kind of pleasure that is abusive, but the kind that stops to smell the flowers and admire their simple beauty. We have been on the path of destruction for too long, destroying each other, ourselves, and our home. Instead of caring with grace, we have been taking advantage of people and of our planet. I’m truly repentant for the part I’ve played personally in that and for the mistakes I carry from others in another lifetime. I have seen so much injustice in the world in the last month. The oil spill in the Gulf, caused by our greed and our laziness or fear of taking a stand, is heartbreaking and infuriating. It feels like the greed in the form of crude oil, is destroying my home and my whole childhood as it moves around the coast of Florida. The injustice of Arizona’s stance on immigration that gives law enforcement permission for racial profiling and mistreatment of aliens in the name of “protecting our neighbors” is insane especially when God calls us to love the alien as one of our own. They are our neighbors. We need to seek reconciliation as God calls us to, not separation and segregation.

Back in the Abundance of Camden

First trimester over and the second begins. A new year filled with new lessons, resolutions, and goals. Caz has been asking us to think about what our hopes and goals are for this new trimester. For as goal oriented as I am, I realized I’m not a very good goal setter. Mostly my goals have been set for me. In high school and college it was, “This is what you have to do. Do it well and get good grades.” Write a resume, get a job, do what they tell you to do at your job. Very rarely was I asked to set my own goals for life other than what was expected of me. Even in the first trimester of Mission Year, we were told what the expectations were and how we were meant to live up to them. There was a lot of structure and I’m used to structure. I like structure. Structure helps me to know what people expect of me so that I can living into those expectations and be who they want me to be. Their goals were my goals. Being who other people want me to be is a heck of a lot easier (emotionally) than trying to figure out who I really am. Or is it? While there are still rules and expectations in place, there is a lot more freedom this trimester. Hence Caz asking us to figure out what our hopes are for our own spiritual growth and the growth of our relationships.
Last trimester, I kept waiting for all of this to feel like life. I went home for Christmas and was surprised to find that most of the time it felt like a dream. When I got back to Camden, I realized that it does feel like life here. Sometimes I feel like people see Mission Year as a transitional period of my life as if I was living before and I will be living after but right now I’m in the middle. I don’t believe that. This is my life. Life does not begin or end in events, it just is. Life is wherever we are right now. Letting go of the idea that my life is on pause while in Mission Year and will start up again after is helping me to let go of all the expectations of what my life should be. Sometimes people’s hopes for me, sometimes even my hopes for myself are not consistent with God’s. Why must I always be and do more? Why can’t I just be? Why can’t life just be what it is right now, the good and the bad? In Psalms 66 the other day, I read:
“For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.”
So often we think of abundance as only the good things of life, but this passage refers to the “fire and water” and the heavy burdens as “abundance.” In the good and in the bad, God brings us to a place of abundance. All I went through, all the lessons learned and the coming into a deeper understanding of who I am, all of the really difficult fires and crushing waters I went through, has brought me to a place of abundance and intimacy with Jesus and I see the truth of this Psalm clearly.
My hope for this trimester is that I come into a deeper peace and understanding of the abundance that comes from God in all forms. I’ve just begun to surrender the expectations and judgments held over me by myself and other people of who I am. Until I can let go of that in myself, I know I won’t be able to let go of my own expectations of how other people should be and I want to. I want to come to that place of humility and freedom so that Jesus has His unhindered way in me to love others more completely through me.
“If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturing is letting go again.”
-Marybeth Danielson

Live your life, don't just let life happen to you. ~Caz

I am quite possibly the worst blogger ever. I used to be so good about this. Ironically enough, I was much better when I had far less to say, at least far less to say of anything important. The deeper things are felt, the less inclined I am to share them with everyone. A while ago in our curriculum reading we read "The Way of the Heart" by Henri Nouwen about embracing silence and solitude. In it, he talked about how wordy we are as a culture and the more we talk about things, the less we feel them. I've noticed the opposite, the deeper my feelings, the less I want to speak them aloud. Which I guess is ultimately the same thing.

I've been spending a lot of time this last week daydreaming. Dreaming about what live used to be like, the things and people that are familiar. Caz said recently that by this time, two months in, people often start feeling like, "Well, this has been a great missions trip but I'm ready to go home now." I can relate to that. I started feeling very homesick for my friends in Pensacola especially and my little apartment with April and Sheila. I was so ready to leave Pensacola behind forever when I left in August and now there are moments I would give anything to be back there, back where things are comfortable and familiar. I was praying about this earlier today, that God would give me the strength and the faith to stay present and to trust that 10 months from now, everything is going to be okay and I am going to be where I need to be. I realized that He is answering my prayers to learn what it means to surrender and as He is teaching me to let go of the familiar and hold on only to Him, I am clinging desperately to the things He wants me to let go. I am clinging to the edge of the branch, not realizing that God is holding his arms out two feet below me ready to catch me the moment I decided to release my death grip.

I told this to Caz this morning at our team captain meeting. She commented that we are all like that; we all worry so much about what will happen and then finally when we get there, we are surprised to find that everything is still all right. Six months ago I was stressing about where I was going to go next and why I was feeling restless. And yet here I am, doing okay, living life in Camden, New Jersey. In 10 months, wherever I am, I will be doing okay and still living life. So why worry?

A lot has been happening in and around me these last two months, the retelling of which would make this blog WAY too long. But overall things have been going well. Working at the school is great and the teens I work with are a lot of fun...and sometimes a pain in my butt. :) My math skills are improving significantly. My church here is great, though really small. Bible studies have been really fulfilling and most challenging to a lot of my long-held doctrinal beliefs. I love it though; it is wonderful to be thinking of God and His word in new ways. My neighborhood is busy and my neighbors have been soaking in the last of the warm weather so we've been able to sit outside with them a bit more than we expected. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and we will hopefully get to spend some really awesome time with them. My team is doing well and have been really good for me through my inner and outer struggles. We've been good for each other.

Please keep me in your prayers. Specifically for my school and how my heart handles each individual student. Also pray for my team and that we grow closer together and deeper into the bonds of community. Their names are Anna, Ellen, Josh, Matt, and Megan and I'm sure it would be a comfort to them as it is to me to be prayed for by name. I could use some prayer too regarding trusting God in each situation. I often do not trust myself to handle difficult situations well and I think that comes from putting too much faith in my own abilities and not enough in God. And lastly, to stay present; that God helps me keep my mind and heart present here, where I am sure I am meant to be.

Peace and love!

Lord willing, I will actually get better at updating this thing. Original plans were to update once a week but the whole not having internet in our apartment put a damper on that one. But since I take a handful of teenagers once a week to a place called Hopeworks that teaches young people proficiency on the computer, I have a computer more readily available to me. Yay!

I am finally getting settled here in Camden and into a routine. Monday through Thursday I work at Christus with 14 ninth and tenth graders. Mostly I am enjoying all of them a lot and am starting to build some good relationships with them. I work as a teaching assistant in math, Spanish, English, and computers (at Hopeworks) which is definitely pushing me out of my comfort zone. I'm supposed to start their after-school program in November too so that should be fun. Weekends are left for our Sabbath, time spent in our neighborhood, chores, curriculum reading, and Church. We are all falling into our own schedules while also making time for each other and I'm relieved to finally start feeling like I'm living life here.

Jesus has been teaching me so much in just the 6 weeks that I've been here. Tonight and tomorrow we all go on our Solitude Retreat and get time to reflect over all we've learned, all we were, and all we are becoming. Most of us are really looking forward to it and some are dreading the silence. I think that it will be far different from what any of us expect, in keeping with Mission Year tradition. Nothing I've experienced so far has been anything like what I expected it to be. But each day I need Jesus more and I desire to know Him better, so I know that I am exactly where I need to be in spite of the pain and hardship.

I'm trying to keep up with 2 blogs right now so I'm not going to write much more here. If you want to see more you can check out my blog through Mission Year too at:

www.missionyear.org/blog/stevieneale

Thanks for your prayers and support!

Finally I can blog!!! The past two weeks have been like being in a whirlwind! It's been amazing and frightening and horrifying and beautiful all at once. I arrived in Philadelphia two weeks ago yesterday and met my City Director, Caz, as well as the other team captains. We stopped by the Mission Year office before heading to where we would be staying for the week and who should walk down the stairs but Shane Claiborne, author and founder of The Simple Way! Lindsay, one of the other team captains and I felt completely star struck (which wore off later in the week when we realized he is just a normal guy after we had dinner at Caz's house and played Catch Phrase with him). But still, it was pretty cool. :)

So we stayed in Logan (North Philadelphia) for the whole week on mattresses in the living room with four fans and the window air conditioning unit blowing right on us because it was so hot upstairs in the bedrooms. And I thought I was moving north!!! Caz took us all over Philadelphia and introduced us to the amazing goodness of Water Ice...like a snow cone but SO MUCH BETTER! The entire week was spent learning how to navigate Philadelphia as well as our neighborhoods. I spent a day with a MY alum wandering around Camden, Lindsay around Wilmington, and Rah around Logan and Center City Philly. There is another team in Southwest, Philly but the team captain wasn't able to come early like we were.

Last Thursday, my team arrived and we spent two days just setting up our apartment and getting to know each other and our neighborhood a bit. Then off to Atlanta for Mission Year bootcamp where we met all the other teams from Chicago, Houston, and Atlanta as well as the whole MY staff. We heard lots of speakers, ate lots of food, discussed lots of different subjects, and worshipped together. It was incredible...minus the gigantic spiders.

So about Caz. This woman is incredbile. We've had a number of hiccups these past two weeks and I have yet to see her handle any situation with anything less than absolute grace and patience. She is so incredibly calm and collected and I've already learned so much from her. She gives every person she meets dignity and it is a beautiful thing to observe. Through her, other MY staff, the other team captains, and my own team, Jesus has already taught me so much about what it means to "love my neighbors," to see Him in every face, and to give every person dignity regardless of who they are or the circumstances they are in. I can't believe I'm only two weeks in this and I've still got almost a year to go! That is absolutely thrilling to me.

My teammates: One word...HILARIOUS! So far, we have truly been enjoying each other so much. They crack me up and we have already had a number of adventures that ended in lots of laughter. They are so passionate about loving Jesus and people and have already been such an inspiration to me. They have been very gracious and supportive to me as team captain as well and I am so grateful that God picked each one of them to walk with me in this journey this year. I'm not naive enough to think that things will always be easy and fun; I'm sure that we will have our fair share of conflict. But I trust that if we are all seeking Jesus as our first love, we will handle those conflicts with love and compassion.

Neighbors: We've also met a handful of our neighbors within our apartment complex. All of them have been very kind and willing to help us with anything we need. They helped us move in, carry groceries up the stairs, collect our mail when we were in training in Atlanta, etc. So yeah, basically they are awesome and we can't wait to get to know them better. The neighborhood itself is pretty nice too, not at all what I expected. Walk a half mile to the left of our apartment and you get into fancy shmancy Merchantville. Walk a half mile to the right and that's where it gets rough. But even in the rougher areas, people have been really nice.

(I have 7 minutes left on this computer so I'm gonna wrap it up even though I've got so much more to tell!) Basically, I'm loving it here. I'll be sending out the 2nd round of newsletters soon as well so if I don't have your address already you can message me on facebook or write me a letter!

My address is:
Stevie Neale
4313 B. Maple Ave
Pennsauken, NJ 08109

But no packages there please! I have a different address for that I can give if anyone wants along with the guidelines for what they can contain.

Also I still am in need as far as support raising goes! You can give easily at my launch page:

www.missionyear.org/launch/stevieneale

Thanks a lot! Love you all!

It finally hit me...

As I was walking my older sister and her two young sons to her car last night. "Don't leave, come home and live with me. We'll go out to lunch all the time and get manicures and pedicures and do all sorts of fun things." That is what I've become accustomed to hearing from my 80 year old grandmother who just wants everyone she cares about within a five mile radius of her. I hear similar things from my mother on a pretty regular basis too and occasionally from my father, but they are trying to be good. 

But last night, my older sister, Stacy, who never says anything that may even be taken as meant to discourage me from doing anything I want to do, hugged me for the longest time in the middle of the road with tears streaming down her face (also a rarity) and said, "You can come home, Stevie, you know that?" Just a simple question that wrapped up everything she was feeling but never said. And that was it. Well, that and, "I love you, be safe." Even writing this it makes me want to cry. 

I haven't been sad to leave home since I left for college 5 years ago. And I'm not really sad for myself, but for them. It finally hit me why my family has been acting this way when they didn't behave like this when I went away to college. They actually expected me to come home for good. I think it is only within the last two weeks that they are starting to realize that I have no intentions of living at home again. And even though, I'm strong in that decision, because I don't think Jesus' will is for me to spend the rest of my life in South Florida, five minutes away from my whole family, married with 2 1/2 kids, it is heartbreaking for me to realize the reason behind their fears. They fear the truth that I really have been serious the last few years when I've been telling them that I'm not coming home. That...and for some strange reason they all think I'm going to get shot in Camden. 

I have the greatest amount of respect and love for everyone in my family and how they have chosen to live their lives. They are all wonderful and loving people and the family is about a tight-knit as any I've ever met. We have a blast together, and often too. But my life is different. My dreams are different. I don't care if I ever have the perfect husband, 2-4 wonderful children, a big house, two cars, a dog, and a picket fence. I don't care if I ever make six figures. I don't care about prestige, fame, beauty, riches, or anything like that. I care about people and I love Jesus. And I want to be where I can best love Him and others. And whether or not all of those other things come to me matters not, actually, I'd prefer they don't. I'd much rather a hut in Thailand than a picket fence in Coral Springs. I'd much rather spend my life needing God than being comfortable and complacent. And I don't ever want to think or feel like I don't need God. But all of that doesn't make seeing the tears in my sister's eyes and hearing her soft voice any easier, or any less heartbreaking. 

Pray for my family please, and pray for me.